A THIRD lesson In doMESStication. "Its 2010, EVERYONE IS SUSPECT" -(qoute from Kristen Kilpatrick)
by Henry Emmanuel Abuto on Wednesday, December 29, 2010 at 9:16pm
My Readers,(from here on out you all will be referred to as "babies") Forgive me for taking this long to write another Lesson. Today's lesson is a very serious topic and thus it required a lot of investigative work. I, along with my fellow investigators,(Matthew Slayter, Cynthia Taiwo, Amanda Williams, Holly Babb and Annie Weiss) have conducted both filed and lab research over the past year to collect evidence. We were SHOCKED by the results. Shocked is actually putting it mildly. Due to the shock, we decided that 2010 could only be aptly deemed THE YEAR OF THE SUSPECT. Yes people, SUSPECT is the topic of this third Lesson. I will present you with definitions, a brief history, provide supporting evidence, and let you know about the JUSTICE SYSTEM that we put these "suspects" through. (Known as the ATS system. (Abuto, Taiwo, Slayter). Because I am writing this as a future lawyer, I will do my best to present legal facts that would hold up in a court of law. I do not want to be sued for defamation of character(Libel and Slander aka lies) so every example I present will be TRUE. As Investigators, we also can't name real names. If you recognize yourself or someone else, tough shit. Grab a drink or a snack. Lets begin by defining exactly what SUSPECT is.
1)Wikipedia defines suspect as "In the parlance of criminal justice, a suspect is a known person suspected of committing a crime...Under the judicial systems of the U.S., once a decision is approved to arrest a suspect, or bind him over for trial, either by a prosecutor issuing an information, a grand jury issuing a true bill or indictment, or a judge issuing an arrest warrant, the suspect can then be properly called a defendant, or the accused. Only after being convicted is the suspect properly called the perpetrator.
2)Websters definition-to believe to be guilty, false, counterfeit, undesirable,defective, bad, etc.
3)and now my favorite definition that probably pertains the most to this Lesson. From Urban Dictionary-"The word "suspect" is meant to suggest that somone is believed to be below par. They are hiding something or are believed to have a serious character flaw which makes them undesirible as a friend or acqaintence. In some areas it is primarily used to describe a feminine man or a man who is not feminine but suspected of homosexuality or other sexual deviances. Most commonly used to denote suspected homosexual tendencies." ALSO "person who's sexual preference is questionable -GIVES OTHERS REASONS TO BE SUSICIOUS of his/her heterosexuality - gives off homosexual vibes and displays characteristics common to the homosexual community.
4-when Me and my friends use this term, we use it in close conjunction with #3. use it in a sentence. "I don't know who the hell he think he fooling, EVERYBODY know he is SUSPECT as a mofo"
Before 2010, it was hard to define someone as suspect and it was hard to gather the necessary evidence. That is because before 2010, even if an individual was suspect, they kept those suspect tendencies to themselves and covered their tracks WELL. (Trust me i used to be a suspect.) In those days, it was rare to move someone from a suspect to a convict because there was little evidence. However, the end of the first decade in the new Millennium brought with it a new breed of suspects. LET ME TELL YALL, these NEWBIES have NO DAMN SHAME. at all. they left that behind a long time ago. This group is all about having their cake and eating it too. I of all people understand what its like to not be ready to take that next big step. But damn, if you are not ready, then don't be partaking in things that only "ready" people do. And then when they get called out, they wanna get mad. Bitch get mad at yourself.( refer to my first lesson for this. "if you don't want people to talk about you, don't give them things to talk about")
The Justice System- If we think a person is guilty of something(falsifying sexuality, perpetrating, pretending to be someone/something you're not) we start the proceedings. Back in the day, we wouldn't move past the suspect phase. but this is 2010. If the person keeps acting suspicious, we then start gathering evidence. this phase is probably the hardest and most extensive part of the ATS system. Evidence can include but not limited to, Pictures, first hand accounts, second hand accounts(not too reliable at times) texts, emails, and most importantly eye witness accounts. If we have sufficient evidence, we gather a jury. we then proceed to trial. At trial, the defense and the Prosecution(us) present their cases. (we have a 95% conviction rate). After this, we schedule a sentencing hearing. The Judge and Jury can find you guilty in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd degrees. Depending on the degree of guilt, we can hand down a sentencing as light as probation to severe as life without parole in solitary confinement. Now you might be thinking, "this is all great Henry but can you give us actual examples of suspects and verdicts reached?" The answer is yes my Babies, I am about to give examples. Some of yall might want to stop reading and some of yall might seriously want to get a pen and paper.
Case #1-If you make out with 8+ guys in a SINGLE NIGHT at a party, YOU ARE SUSPECT. If you proceed to carry a "secret relationship" (i use the word relationship LOOSELY) with a guy, YOU ARE SUSPECT. If you go on dates and have special days with a guy, YOU ARE SUSPECT. If you call yourself "omnisexual, YOU ARE SUSPECT. (WTF does that even mean?) This one could go on and on but it would get too specific.(Guilty in the FIRST DEGREE)
Case #2-If you exchange TEXT messages with a guy telling him what you want to learn, YOU ARE SUSPECT. how fucking stupid do you have to be? TEXT MESSAGES?? THATS THE EASIEST FORM OF EVIDENCE. you'd be better off sending smoke signals. If you break up with your gf two days after hooking up with a guy, then get back together with her 3days later, YOU ARE SUSPECT. If everyone at a table is reading these texts and you're pretending to not realize, You're not even suspect, you're just plain stupid. if you call a guy 5X between 3-5am, (after he left your apartment) YOU ARE SUSPECT.(HOT ASS MESS.)
Case 3#-This one is just something else. I love it when straight guys have "ready" friends. infact most of my best and closest friends are straight. HOWEVER IF YOU CHOSE TO ONLY SURROUND yourself with gay men and you are not a fat woman or a lesbian, You my friend, ARE SUSPECT. if you claiming to be straight but I SEE you holding hands under the table with a guy at Starbucks during dead week, YOU ARE SUSPECT. If you start treating this person as if they're your man but you won't give them a title and just keep leading them on, YOU ARE SUSPECT.(See note#1 for more on that) (GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY)
Case#4-If you and your girlfriend are at someone's garage apartment and you keep talking about things you wanna do to the male organ, YOU ARE SUSPECT. shit he got convicted in five minutes. (On a side note, if said girlfriend isnt worried about you hitting on two gay men, take that as a warning. she may or may not allegedly be cheating on you with a 15yr old boy.) (2yrs and early release depending on good behavior)
Case #5-THIS ONE GETS THE HOT MESS AWARD OF THE YEAR and was the one that CAUSED SHOCK AMONG EVERYONE. If you make out with a guy, you are suspect. if you put his hand on your junk, you are suspect. if you bring your own supplies with the intention of seducing a guy, YOU ARE SUSPECT. if you then proceed to stay holed up in a house for three days and give the business every night, YOU ARE SUSPECT. if you're getting blasted on university websites, YOU ARE SUSPECT. If you ask a guy to date you but still walk around bragging about how many women you've conquered, YOU ARE SUSPECT. if you have relations with a guy for three months on and off, YOU ARE SUSPECT. (LIFE WITHOUT PAROLE. SOLITARY CONFINEMENT)
Case #6-If you are on a school trip and get drunk and end up ON VIDEO saying about how you want to perform certain acts on a male organ, YOU ARE SUSPECT. (GUILTY in the 2nd degree)
Case #7-If everytime your girlfriend goes out of town and you immediately call a guy so you can stay at his house "cuz you don't wanna be alone" YOU ARE SUSPECT.(hhmmm..dunno)
Case#8-If you let a guy perform on you, you are HALFWAY suspect. (Cat you know who I'm calling out) (case dismissed)
case #9-IF YOU CONTINUOUSLY and AGGRESSIVELY ask gay men about how "it works" YOU ARE SUSPECT. knowledge is power but knowledge is also called doing research.(Waiting trial)
I think those cases are ample enough to provide evidence of suspect behavior. With this new breed, some might just not care anymore about what or who they do. we throw those cases out. not worth our efforts. Others have brief moments of suspect so we just patiently wait for an opportunity to gather evidence.
Now how does this pertain to domestication? Let me tell you. THIS NEW BREED OF MOTHERFUCKERS ARE MEAN. How? they are palying with peoples emotions,feelings and dragging people down with them. When they're about to be found guilty, they start spreading lies to cover their tracks. WELL THIS STOPS NOW. I will NEVER EVER out someone or officially declare someone something until they tell me themselves but this is getting ridiculous. Some of them have girlfriends and are hurting them too. Girls, be extra careful for warning signs. take a step back and put them through your justice system. The worst part about these suspects is that they're also guilty of stealingyourman.com. THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME SEVERAL times. well they're tried but like Beyonce told me, "ring the alarm!) I refuse to be a victim of that website. If you're not ready to be "ready", thats fine. take your time but stop taking people along on the ride of your aggressive hot ass mess life.
To anyone who has suspect tendencies. * Here are some words of encouragement. "people who mind don't matter and people who matter won't mind." ITS THAT SIMPLE. Like the goo goo dolls said "JUST BE WHO YOU ARE". Those other people are just ignorant people who are too insecure. don't let them stop you from being your best you. Don't mean to get all PBS afterschool special on yall but come on. STOP PLAYING GAMES. 2010 is over and we are changing the rules in 2011. Domesticate yourself or WE WILL domesticate for you and hoes, it ain't gonna be pretty.
Hope you all had a merry Christmas and raise your glass to a happy new year.
Love,
Henry Abuto, Matthew Slayter and Cynthia Taiwo.
Special thanks to Amanda Williams and Holly Babb.
